Country Jokes

Technology Definitions for Country Folk

LOG ON                    Makin a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF                   Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR                Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD             Gettin the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ           When yer not kerful gittin the far wood.
FLOPPY DISC            Whatcha git from carry'n too much farwood.
RAM                          That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE             Gittin home in the winter time.
PROMPT                     Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS                Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
SCREEN                     Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
BYTE                          Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP                           Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP              Whut's in the bottom of the tater chip bag.
MODEM                      Whut cha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX             Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP                      Whar the cat sleeps.
KEYBOARD                 Whar ya hang the dang keys.
SOFTWARE                Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
MOUSE                       Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAINFRAME              Holds up the barn roof.
PORT                           Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER                         Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
MOUSE PAD                That hippie talk fer the mouse’s house.

A shyster, needing money hitched up his buggy and drove out to this well-to-do
farmers place. When the farmer came over, the shyster said, I’ve got this
recipe for stretching your horse feed, and I’ll sell it for $20 00 to you. The
farmer looked at the shyster’s poor horse and said, Well, I’ve got a good recipe
for making your horse stop slobbering and Ill trade even with you for it. Well,
the shyster got to thinking, he had missed selling this horse on several occasions
on account of that bad habit, so he said, it’s a deal, and they traded. After the
shyster left, the farmer went out to the barn to read the shysters letter. It
said, mix 1/4 sawdust with the ground corn, and up it to 1/2 in winter. The
shyster got a mile down the road and stopped to read his letter. He opened it
and it said, teach your horse to spit.

(Rated PG13)

Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering
hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a
lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger
too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "Yep"
said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady
and asked, "Kin Yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin you speak?" he
asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted
up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and started licking her butt. She was so
shocked she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with a great sigh
of relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how
that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!

A farmer is being interviewed by the local paper after winning $1 Million
dollars in the lottery... The reporter asks "So what are you going to do with the
million dollars?" To which the farmer replies "Guess I'll just keep on farming
until all the money is used up....."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a
thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his
mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

There were 11 hillbillies hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one a woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all
agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would
break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the
woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to
save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and
children, giving in to men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and
must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Arkansas went into the local
newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is
written. The obit editor informed her that the fee for the obituary was 50
cents a word. She paused, reflected and then said, "Well, then, let it read,
'Billy Bob died.' Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor said, "Sorry ma'am,
there is a seven-word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she
thought things over and in a few seconds said, "In that case, let it read, ‘Billy
Bob died - 1983 Pickup for sale.’"

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running
for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a
little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open
cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped
over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin
door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get
another one!"

Hillbilly Driving Etiquette…

v     Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and
the deer is in sight.

v     When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

v     Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

v     When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.

v     Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

v     Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

v     Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

What do a Divorce in Arkansas, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida
have in common?   Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in southern Missouri. The husband
likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the
husband returns after several hours of fishing and takes a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a
short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game
warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning
Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "Isn't
that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm
sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the
equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll
have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even
touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the
equipment."